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Gone…

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Gone are the nights when I cried myself to sleep. Gone are the days when I wondered my worth. Gone are the moments when I felt nothing but shame. Gone are the shattered pieces of a broken heart in a broken world that could care less if I lived or died. Gone is all the pain from the years of abuse upon abuse heaped upon me at the hands of the wicked. What’s not gone are the memories of everything that tried to kill me, but failed.

What’s not gone is the awareness that almost everyone around me is still suffering. What’s not gone is the reality that much of the world is only getting worse. What’s not gone is the desire for that to change.

 

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What’s new is the overwhelming love that replaced all the loneliness in my heart. What’s new is the peace that has replaced all my hatred. What’s new is the joy that has replaced all my pain. What’s new is all the beauty that has risen from all my disaster. What will never change is the fact that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, yet every person on the face of this earth was deemed precious enough to bleed and die for so that we may never taste the death we have earned in our own foolishness. What will never change is that despite Him paying the ultimate price for us He will never force us to love Him, and in this broken world we all have a choice to love Him or turn our backs on Him. What will never change is that our only hope is in the love of Jesus Christ. What will never change is that no matter what we could do, He will never love us any less.

There is hope in the cross. There is healing in the cross. There is life in the cross. All we need to do is believe.

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Honesty

Not something we genuinely come by often these days. Are people honest? Sure. When they aren’t afraid of getting caught? Maybe not so much. That integrity is something that is slipping away from our humanity… and some of the most honest people I’ve met… have been criminals. What does that say about our “accepted” society? Honesty isn’t liked unless its pretty. In a place where appearance is everything, who cares what it takes to look good? No one keeps a body count when they’re on the paths of their destruction.

Honesty, even when it’s the hardest thing to do, lets people know they can trust you. Being good for the sake of integrity. People need to regain their balance with the truth before we all lose sight of each other. So afraid of showing ourselves fearing how someone can hurt us with what they’ve come to know about us. This mistrust of our neighbor is an exhausting way of life… I know it leaves ME feeling defeated and I’ve come to know myself as having some masochistic way being relentlessly hopeful for humanityI know we are capable of so much more. We can accomplish so much good when we join together for a cause… instead we choose to isolate ourselves and see how far we can get on our own. Survival of the fittest in the most ironic sense. Where do we go from here? Continue to destroy each other? Or love and heal each other and our habitat? I know where I want to go in this life, and it definitely doesn’t involve any kind of war or anything other than peace with each other. Why would anyone want fuel the pain the hurts us?

What If…

Bear with me through this, it’s worth it.
There is the Holy Spirit, and there are other spirits with their own agendas that like to masquerade as the Holy Spirit. What confuses so many people is that the unholy spirits don’t always appear bad. They will come in the form of peace, healing, temporary happiness, and all to draw you in closer to the dark side. If everything from the underworld appeared evil then how would Satan recruit the masses? Most people are not out to do harm! So, just because it’s good doesn’t mean it’s of God.
Our whole existence on this earth is underlined with a war for our souls and every day is a battle, but only one side wins in the end: Heaven or Hell. I know there are many beliefs about what happens after this life, and that’s fine, but what if you’re wrong? What if when we die it’s not just black and our consciousness doesn’t end with our breath. What if after this life we are not reincarnated into another life, either here or on another planet? What if we don’t get another chance? What if you meet the Judge and He tells you that you’ve failed to receive the most important gift of all time: Salvation. If that happens then you’ve lost everything, forever. Eternity will be spent in burning agony with an unquenchable thirst; looking up into heaven seeing what you could have had.

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I can honestly say that before my spirit was born again I looked at godly people and thought they were missing out on life. I thought they were restricted in what they could say, do, and believe. I thought that they were so busy with their nose in the bible that they couldn’t see where they were going! I didn’t understand why it was worth it. If you’re like me, then the damnation of hell doesn’t scare you into doing anything. You’re probably used to hearing it, or don’t believe it exists. Maybe you want something to prove to you that this is all worth it, and that’s understandable. I needed that too. What I didn’t expect is how I feel to change.

Before, I often felt like something was missing. I was constantly looking for the next best thing or a higher status. I was often depressed and felt worthless. I wanted peace within myself. I wanted to be accepted by people. I wanted to have more and I wanted to be more… I wanted.

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If I told you that all the needs of your heart would be met and you would truly have peace and joy in this life, what would you do to get it? If all the things nagging at you daily could suddenly seem so petty, what would you do to leave the worry behind? Would you listen to a man that gives sound wisdom for finances, relationships, work, family, children, friends, forgiveness… and so much more? If you met this man today and everything He said made sense to you, wouldn’t you listen? What if He offered you a gift, would you accept it? What if I told you that this man already does exist and everything He said is written in a book. If you could gain all the wisdom in the world, would you read this book? It’s called The Holy Bible, and it’s the best book I’ve ever opened.

From the stories to the wisdom, and the people that have shared my experiences within these pages, I feel like the authors of these chapters know me! They know how to give counsel to even the unbelievers. There is much comfort to be found in these pages, so yes I keep my nose in this book! But the way my life changed around me proves there is something to this madness! When I pray I feel like I’m talking to my best friend. I vent, I cry, I laugh… and I feel Him listening. He responds with words, feelings, and situations that often make me laugh, discipline my ways, have me in tears of joy, and show me things that leave me in awe. It’s a bit of a maniacal thing, this prayer life. Non-stop joy when it’s done right. My best friend is with me everywhere I go, and the more I invite Him around the more He makes His presence known. It’s such a beautiful thing! I feel so free from the weight of this world! Yes, I still work, do, and experience things that aren’t pleasant, but I have a peace about these things that didn’t exist before. Even the peace I thought I had doesn’t hold a flame to this wildfire burning in my heart!
I urge you, no matter where you are in life, no matter who you are, or what you’re doing: stop and give it all to God. It’s not easy to drop the things that have satisfied you in this world, I get it. It is a true sacrifice when you follow God’s path, but once you’ve had a taste nothing else compares. I promise the return you get will make everything worth it because He provides for His children!
Receiving this love is simple: accept the salvation that Jesus provided for us through His death on the cross. Confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that He is our Lord and Savior. Lean into God. Pick up a Bible and start reading. My personal recommendations for new readers would be Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. They are each different in their own way while all telling the same story of Jesus’ life, struggles, and ministry. They are all full of great stories and sound advice. No matter what, these words will reach you. Let help come your way before judgment comes. Remember, you get to choose what you lose: life or death.

Proverbs 3

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart… and He will make your ways straight.”

Everything was created by God, for God. Seems a little selfish, doesn’t it? Well, how selfish is it of the ones whom life was breathed into, and loved enough to have died for, to reject the One who just wants to keep us safe? And not just reject, but scorn? Things don’t go your way so you get mad and think that He doesn’t care. That’s just it… your way.

 

 

It is God’s way that provides in ways we don’t even realize are necessary until we have been blessed. Fulfillment we never would have sought for ourselves, until we’ve been blessed with it. Joy we didn’t know possible, until we’ve been blessed with it. How do we get there, though? Trust. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Sometimes we are led to do things that just seem ridiculous. Trust me, I know. But everything we do is for a greater purpose. Yes, God’s purpose! When you sit there and think about what you alone want you are limited to what only human minds are capable of dreaming. We forget that there is One greater who created our minds. Imagine how big His dreams are for us! I know I tend to get in the way with my own thoughts and opinions on what my life should be, or how to achieve what I think God’s goals are for my life, or even how to comfortably reach my goals. The thing is, God is going to take us outside of our limits. He’s going to take us places that are uncomfortable so that we may find comfort in Him, keeping us close. In these things, we find our growth and greater love. He sees beyond what we are capable of and wants to keep us safe from this world! We weren’t made to be dangerous and hateful people. Yet, we were made with free will and live on earth where sin roams free to attack anyone and often we allow it to control us.

We all have a choice. A choice to live in the here and now with immediate and superficial pleasure, or to live in eternity with eternal and genuine joy. Life isn’t going to be a cake-walk no matter how you choose to live, so why forge your own way? Why not let someone else take up your load and guide your steps to success? Life is less stressful when it is simplified to God’s word. This truth brings wisdom and when you start to see life through His eyes you see the blessings everywhere. Blessings that are in disguise because they don’t come how you expect them, so don’t be blinded. Jesus didn’t come how Israel expected and they were angry. They prayed for salvation and killed their savior. A nation was blinded by hate and their own desires. They expected a warrior to shed blood, not a gentle savior preaching love. When you open your heart and mind beyond yourself you will see how the things you need are being provided for you. Salvation is right in front of you and when you pray for it know that your soul will find peace… as long as you’re not trying to gain the world.

 

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Spiritual warfare

Shadows in the night?

You’ve got to be kidding me.

In this new life you’ve created for me the devil’s knocking down the door.

He’s back with a vengeance,

and he knows how to terrify me.

United we stand, divided we fall.

What more could I ask

From the ONE who gives all?

I know you hear me God,

You’re child’s crying down here!

I need you more now

As I’m beginning this life.

Things are looking scary as my spirit prepares to be worn.

This battle’s just won but what’s coming is war.

I need your strength God,

so please don’t let me stray far.

Trust

I have to keep reminding myself that “trusting God means having faith that His strength will bring me through every situation, no matter what my fears or troubles are. Anxiety is my biggest hurdle right now and I am constantly reminded to not be so afraid of what people will think because not everyone is going to judge harshly. “Some people may actually like you if you just put yourself out there,” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that. The biggest leap of faith I have taken in that regard was the day I first met my fiance. Two strangers trying to see if we could be friends. I have never in my life gone out of my way to do something like that. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends… but I’ve known them since I was in grade school, so they don’t count. No new friends. No one seemed worthy of keeping around for so long until a I felt a push in his direction and now I am so in love with this man that I am actually going to marry him! And he wants to marry me back!! I never imagined something like this for myself could ever be a reality! I wouldn’t necessarily say that I didn’t ever want it, I just have been through so much bull shit and no one was worth any of it… so I let go of everything. Ironically when I let everything go is when it came back to me the way I needed. I had to stop forcing my own way in the world and let God lead me through His purpose for me.

I’ve been writing quite a bit these past few weeks but I’ve kept feeling a pause in my heart when it comes to sharing. A voice telling me I’m not ready yet. Whatever THAT’S supposed to mean. Regardless of how I’ve felt about this whole process, I have been patient, and now I see the gain. I’ve just recently come back from a two week trip that, although I had some fun, it was MUCH harder on me than I expected. Much of this entry was written while I was on that trip and I have been able to combine it with other pieces I have made. I am grateful for that, at least.

Time has given me lessons and I live today holding more wisdom than I held yesterday.

Despite all the joy God has rewarded for my faithful obedience, trusting in the Lord isn’t always an easy task. You listen to your heart or the pull on your spirit, but there are always going to be questions. Why now, why not now, why this, why that way… WHY? I have a habit of handling patience the hard way, but the thing about patience is that time reveals all. I’ve learned for myself that a lot of my “why” questions are answered as lessons. I am able to look back on mistakes that should have been so obvious or silly, but the wisdom I tend to take from these experiences is substantial. I don’t know that I can say I really regret anything, however I can say that I wish I could have come by the wisdom without the mistakes. I’m sure a lot of us can say that though! I’m just thankful that my fuck ups these days aren’t terminal for the things that matter most. My heart doesn’t falter or skip a beat when it comes to who or what I love. My prayer is that no matter what happens everything becomes worth it and the high is greater than the low. I love with all my heart and I go with all my strength so I give with all I have. The ones who know me know this. I don’t mean to hurt people with my actions… my heart is stronger than that. I am bold in the better and I want to believe that this will all be okay… that this isn’t the end, but my heart is heavy sings its sorrow. I’m lost on this open road feeling so damn alone. I want His comfort… and I want his comfort. I want comfort as I return home to tell the one I love that something has happened… and it hurts. I’ve hurt him and I never meant to. I should have known better with all the things I’ve been through in this life. My experiences have shown me reality, but i still choose to believe in people and in this world… why? Shouldn’t I be hiding away? Shouldn’t I live in fear? Shouldn’t I be full of hate? I don’t… and I’m not. Despite all I know I still keep finding ways to be surprised. I love him and I didn’t do anything to make anyone believe otherwise, yet people still choose to form their own opinions. What happens next, God? I’m still listening, waiting for your guidance cuz this whole “free will” thing is a bitch.

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I don’t boast

Just because you

Choose perpetual sadness doesn’t mean that everyone should automatically be expected to see the world from your point of view. We are all different. A lot of people seem unwilling to grasp this concept.

To simply say I understand emotions would be a grotesque understatement. I spent a few years of my life heavily medicated because the emotions I felt, and how I acted on them, were deemed inappropriate by doctors [and basically everyone around me] that knew nothing about me. Granted, the vast majority of the time i spent in counseling I didn’t always speak the truth but they didn’t have the real me to work with because they never gave me a chance. I see how my many of my actions made these situations far worse, but this hindsight doesn’t change what I went through. 

Wisdom often surpasses reason. I see how that is a contradicting statement since one would believe that with the more reasonable a person is the better of they should be. This, I can assure you, is not always the case! Wisdom is sometimes the simple ability to see the big picture. To see beyond a situation, a moment, a place, a person or even their words.

Wisdom is a state of mind and maturity of the spirit. wouldn’t you say that is a fair definition at the root of it all?  I would hope that the majority of us genuinely reach the part of lives where we start to accept with our hearts the wisdom that God is giving us through life; although my prayers are for all of us.

May your path not push you to the end of what you are capable of handling and if it does may you reach out to the only on who can save you. Go ahead and roll your eyes but I mean it when I say Jesus.

I don’t boast about what I don’t know about.

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Live Free.

To live freely means to not be burdened by this world. Living freely does not mean to live a careless life. In fact, it means quite the opposite! It means being careful not to let the little details of this life cloud your vision and in my opinion to live on the brighter side of things. It does not mean that I look away from the evil or in this world.

When I say any of the uplifting or encouraging things I am putting out there, I often wonder how many of you think it’s just some hippie dippie bull shit. “Just spread the love man.” How many critical thinkers are sitting on the other end saying to yourself, “yeah… easier said than done, ya ditz!” Or something to that effect. Yes, maybe i do live with my head in the clouds a bit, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a point. Maybe my goal is to reach out with love and encourage people just to make an effort to be a better person each day because this world is already so full of angry people. Do we really need to add to it? I believe that the way to help this world is to share the love that I have been given instead of shaming those of us that have done something wrong. Most of us know when we do something wrong and if we have a conscience we generally like to keep it clean. At least that’s what I choose to believe. I also know full damn well that this society is smothered with assholes that simply just don’t give a fuck! I know this because I used to be one of them and I used to surround myself with them. I have been taken advantage of by those kinds of people for the majority of my life. I also choose not to play the fucking victim. I’ve chosen to make my pain count by helping others through my experiences. I am not a victim and I don’t want your damn pity. I’m a survivor and I AM FREE.

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My Testimony

I was raised in a christian home believing I had felt God move in my life at quite a young age. But, as I got older, things started happening that made me question the presence I had felt in the past. The world showed me things that made me question if anything I had learned was true. If what I had learned was true then why was all this happening to me? That was a question no one seemed to have the answer to.

I was desperate to feel something good. The choices I started making landed me in some PRETTY TOUGH situations with some VERY BAD results. I was so angry that life could be so bad while I failed to see that the biggest problem was just me. I was stubborn. I had pride. I was greedy and mean… I simply lacked morals. So at the end of that journey I looked back on a road full of abuse that I had received as well as given. Whether it was from a relationship where emotional games were played, or words were used to confuse and mentally abuse each other. I’ve been in physical fights and I’ve been the subject for sexual abuse throughout my entire life until I was 22… I am now 27. Lest we not forget all the drugs I could get my hands on… and the deceit that came with that lifestyle. The criminal scene became my playground as I learned how to deal with all that I have been through in this life. Don’t get me wrong, I had some fun with it for a while… but the turmoil of my spirit began to cripple me. there was something missing. No matter how hopeful I was to find it, love(God) was nowhere to be found. We as people are losing sight of what’s good; too often hurting each other for our own benefit. A helping hand not to be trusted… EVERYONE was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, at least through my eyes. My best friends lied to me and stole from me. Even within my own family I felt lost.. all I could see was darkness and I only felt alone. I was scared of spending the rest of my life like that… let alone one more day.

That desolation has taken over more than once in my life. Times where I found solace in self mutilation, and occasionally attempting suicide… I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive with some of the things I’ve done to myself. Before beating down death’s door this last time I decided to instead turn to God. I lay on the floor of my apartment crying and yelling at God, “I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!! I’m done! You win, God! I will try things your way because clearly i have no idea what i’m doing! Lead me! I need to know you’re here because I am dying down here!”

What exactly was it that prompted me in those moments to call to cry out for God? I honestly don’t know.  I guess what He had shown me as a child left me with just enough Faith to hope in something better, or that maybe this was all for a reason I’ve yet to understand. Maybe He knew I had finally reached the end of what I could survive on my own. He knew I had enough and He grabbed me before I fell because He already knew my thoughts. He knew I would succeed if I pulled that trigger. He took my hand and gently led me in a new direction and I haven’t looked at the world the same since I cried that prayer on my very last hope… His guidance has shown me greater joy than I could have ever imagined for myself. Thank you, Jesus! My heart now beats within this world, but I am no longer of it.

I humbly stand here today to let people know that I am a follower of Jesus. I believed in Him as a child and I am saved today because of what He did for me on the cross. I know I am still a work in progress and I Thank you for being part of some of my first steps on this new journey!

A Day of Enlightenment

Spiritual development has recently introduced itself to the top of my priorities list… and WOW! Awe inspiring at its finest. You know how you can hear something you believe over and over throughout your life, then suddenly things start happening that change the way you view everything? Yeah… Well my mind has been drenched with new perspectives. While reflecting on your journey have you seen that how your heart sees and your mind views everything will influence the outcomes? Send out hate and it will deceive you. Send out love and it will accept you. Be anything other than Honest… and they will leave you. You never know who or what is around the corner. Every piece of our journey is put together as a beautiful puzzle and when you stand back and view the big picture you see the mind of the Creator. His Majesty. I’m definitely glad I shared a walk with the Artist, still I felt I was missing something pretty big back then. I wanted more than just a walk. My craving for a grand adventure will not go unsatisfied, just Wait.

As I surrendered to my Salvation with all of my being, I felt the force of His Mighty hand for the first time. And when I say Mighty… there is no joke! I was brought to my knees in my cry of thanks for all He’s done. He heard my plea not long ago and quickly took the lead. Although I did feel His guidance throughout my next steps, I was utterly confused as to why I would take THIS path. This one was full of thorns and I was already in so much pain. Still I chose to keep my Faith because, when I was still, I could feel the Hope for myself. As I was falling, He was preparing for me. A bath of the Spirit…. He was rescuing me. I’ve carried my burdens far enough and He’s released the pain from within me. In the flash of a light all the PEACE of silence was restored. Where it was needed, FORGIVENESS was found. LOVE suddenly applied to every living thing. HAPPINESS was living from the darkest within, and FREEDOM no longer described what was surrounding us.

In the story lines of my late, I have been purposefully opening myself up to knowing more people. This challenge has been quite… Revealing. As I’m learning i’m starting to see a system here… and its seeming kind of like a game to me. A challenge with things getting harder as we go, or as we level up. I have a birds eye on the past with still focus on the future and a presence in which presents. The air in this place constantly breezes by me with Great clarity. This has to be a dream, since before this I had only Faith that such an organic Peace like this was anyone’s able reality. Our possibilities are endless when we open ourselves to our own self. My hope for this life is to help people connect the dots so they can put together their own pictures of what their life could be… their eternity. Oddly enough I hadn’t even thought of that until it just flowed though my keyboard as my fingers fly frantically trying to keep up with my thoughts. See what I mean? I’ve yet again been enlightened on this Glorious day.

These last few months have changed me into a whole new woman. One I never thought I was capable of being. I feel like i’m starting a whole new life and this is just the beginning.